Ups, Downs, and Me

I HATE SCHOOL!

29 DAYS UNTIL SPRING BREAK!

This lady on Jay Leno seems like she is on lots of Meth or Crack and it is hillarious!

MMoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo- says the cow.........

nobody has updated so far, that makes it kind of discourging, i need help, i have lost 6.5+ lbs so far, please update, i need help/motivation, we are all we have....much luv-kt,
kt

First day of my fast and I already failed. I am disgusting and weak.
I had nothing to eat until about 3 pm, then it quickly came crashing down. I ate:

1 can of plain tuna 150 cals
1 1.5 oz chix breast 100 cals
1 small potato 60 cals
a handful of choc. chips 200 cals
1 1/2 tblsp of peanut butter 145 cals
some popcorn 240 cals

total: 895 cals

Most of that was consumed in less than an hour, I don't even remember tasting any of it....

Feel like a huge piece fat shit. I wish this shit would end!

Yesterday was a good day. I got on the scale and had lost 2 lbs! I was so excited, but then I decided to go out to the bars with some friends. I was planning on only having a few drinks, but did that happen?!?! I drank so much and got shitty wasted. I ended up getting a calzone on my way home from the bars, which is probablly a million calories. I don't even want to look up how many calories it has. And yes I ate the whole entire thing! I'm so pissed at myself. I'm too hungover to workout, so all the food from lastnight is just making fatter and there is nothing I can do about it. And to top it all off my roomate confronted me about my e/d lastnight in the bar bathroom! She told me that a couple of our friends were wondering about me and worried! That is none of their concern. I'm so annoyed, can anything else go wrong today??????

Today is day 2 of my 5 day fast, and I'm not doing too bad so far. Its about 4 pm and so far i have had:

1 handful dry cereal (80 cals or so)
1/2 cup broccoli (20 cals)
1 cup black coffee (3 cals)
2 diet pills
1 diet mountain dew
TOTAL: 103 cals

I'm getting ready to go to work until 8pm so it won't be hard to fast during that time. After work I'm going to do 30-45 min. on the treadmill and some weights. That should burn about 400 cals. Today I also walked to and from class, which I estimate burned about 100-150 calories. After working out I have tons of studying to do, I have 2 exams tomorrow. Studying seems to make me hungry too! I know thats odd and it totally sucks. I will prob have some s/f jello (10 cals) while studying. I'm going to weigh myself in the morning, so hopefully I stick to my plan and see some results!!

Today was alright. I had 2 cups of coffee, a lot of water, a diet coke, and a small apple. I didn't make it to the gym and I'm exhuasted. Tonight I'm probablly just going to take a sleeping pill and go to bed. I have to make it to the gym tomorrow. I haven't been for 2 weeks!!

I had ice cream today! I had a lot of ice cream today!!!!!!!!!!

I ate so much, I'm so full. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!! SCREW FOOD AND SCREW LIFE!

I just got back from my vacation, and I did pretty well with not eating much. I ate a meal just about every other day while I was gone bc my friends were constantly around. When I did eat though it was a salad or something small. I did drink a ton of alcohol though, which I know has tons of calories but whats vacation without booze and a lot of it! At the beginning of my vacation I wwas 128 lbs and at the end I was 124 lbs, but now I'm back to 128. I went home to my parents house for the weekend after vacation, and they stuffed me full of food. It was disgusting! I'm going to get back on track tomorrow and shoot to be back at 124 by the end of the week. Hopefully after that it is only down from there.

Leaving for vacation and I will be gone a week!! So excited. I finally got below 130, so I'm happy about that. I'm at 128 and I hope to be at 124 by the end of next week.

So after an awful day/night yesterday I'm feeling a lot better. The binge was so awful and my feelings afterward were almost too much to stand. I got through it somehow, like I always do. So I took some laxatives lastnight in order to cleanse my body. They didn't get rid of the massive amounts of calories I consumed, but they helped me feel empty. Since I'm empty today I can start clean and fresh today!

I woke up today and went for a 4.5 mile run, did tons of crunches, and leg lifts. I plan on running another 2-4 miles today after my exam. That should really improve my mood. So far today I have had nothing to eat. I drank some water and now I'm drinking a cup of black coffee. I plan having a diet coke and more water today, but NOTHING else. I work at a gym, and I of course they have scales there. I plan on weighing myself tonight for the first time in forever. I was going to yesterday but I didn't have the strength. My roomate has a scale here but it is about 4 lbs lighter than what it should be, so it just pisses me off. I stay away from it! I work for about 6 hours tonight, so I won't be able to have any food. I should be able to fast without a problem all day, I just hope the night goes well.

I will be updating again later tonight, I know I will need to. Recording all my thoughts, feelings, and progress in this journal really gives me strength. Everytime I write it reminds me why thin is best and hunger feels so damn good!

Okay, so I'm a mess. I'm on the edge and I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I binged today! I more than binged today. I feel like complete hell. I'm so ashamed that I can't even type what I ate today. When I binge, like I did today, I sometimes feel like I'm blacked out. I lose control over my mind, mouth, and body. I can't get enough of food, no matter what kind it is. I was feeling so good earlier today too. It definetly all crashed down around 2pm though. Worse yet, I tried to purge and couldn't. I tried so hard, and for some reason my body wouldn't allow it to come up. I wanted to reach my goal weight by Friday, and now taht def. won't happen! I'm such a failure. What the hell is wrong with me? I didn't even make it to my spinning class tonight bc I am so drained. I'm not eating anything tomorrow at all or Friday. Hell I don't want to ever eat again! I have to study the rest of the night, I have an exam tomorrow. After my exam I'm going to work out and then go to work. I won't have time to tempt myself to eat so thats good. I leave for vacation Saturday and I have to get into a bathing suite. DISGUSTING!
Well the cycle continues!!

So far today has been going well. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I am reconsidering getting on the scale though. I feel like a whale! After my first class I'm going to try to run 4 miles, and tonight I have a 45 minute spinning class, that I will jog to and from. I estimate that will be about a minimum of 900 calories burned. I will prob have to have a small apple at some point today, but that is about 50-80 calories. I'm going to try to keep as busy as possible, so I won't think about food as much. I'm 3 days away from my deadline for my first goal weight, so hopefully I get there!

I got some good news today!! I found out I got into graduate school!! I'm so happy. I graduate from college in May, and I will leave for grad. school in August! I can't wait.

Feeling like complete shit!!!!! Broke my fast, binged, purged, and now I don't even know. I'm drained emotionally and physically. Planning on waking up in the morning to run until I drop! I f-ing HATE myself, I'm so sick of this shit.

Still feeling shitty! I look in the mirror and I just feel like I'm getting biggger and bigger. What the hell is wrong with me?! I made it to the gym this morning so I guess that is a plus. I'm hoping to make it to the gym again after work. My roomates keep bugging me about going out to the bars tonight, and I can't go, even though I would like too. I can't afford another mess up like I had Tuesday night. I'm still afraid to get on the scale, I'm going to try to wait until Saturday to weigh myself. Hopefully their will be better results by then. Well, gotta get to class!

I feel so gross today! I messed up lastnight and went out and had a few drinks with some friends! What a bad idea, there are so many damn calories in alcohol. Not even to mention how it made me crave food all day long. I also didn't get a chance to go to the gym today. Damn I fucking suck!!!!!!!!!! I am not even going to get on the scale, I'm too afraid to see how fat it says I am. Sometimes I just wanna give up!

So this is day 2, and I'm feeling pretty optimistic about it. I'm not at all hungry today, and I've lost 2 lbs since yesterday. I woke up this morning with a craving for chocolate, but I killed it with a strong cup of black coffee. I had my spinning class lastnight for an hour which made me feel so good afterwards! 10 more days and I know I'm strong enough to make it!

HW: 138
SW: 133
CW: 131
GW1: 122
GW2: 116
GW3: 111